Last summer, I had it in my mind that I needed to prove I was capable of doing more with my life. All of a sudden, my bachelors degree and my accomplishments as a pharmacy technician didn’t feel as if they were good enough. I felt the need to do more, to be more. So, I enveloped myself in research on “the next best thing” that I could do.
Midway through a semester that had already started, I had my sights set on being a practitioner of some sort. I knew I didn’t want to be a nurse, but the idea of being a nurse practitioner sounded pristine and it was the quickest route to reach my goal (don’t come at me saying NPs are still nurses at heart, just keep reading), so I applied to UofL’s advanced BSN program and enrolled in pre-requisite coursework for the second bi-term.
I was passing each course with flying colors and waking up early to study and take exams. I still wasn’t feeling satisfied, though. I soon realized that I had become victim to the “mania” side of decision-making that comes along with my Bipolar II Disorder (add that in with my perfectionism-tendencies and you’ve got a disaster on your hands).
This unwavering desire to prove to my friends and family that I was capable of doing more was costing me thousands of dollars, not to mention feeding an unhealthy habit of rash decisions. She doesn’t know this yet, but my mom helped me snap out of this fear that I wasn’t good enough with five simple words: “I am proud of you.” It’s not that I hadn’t heard her say this before, it’s just that it meant more to me this time because of its unexpected timing.
An “I am proud of you” is all it took for me to realize that I was (and still am) doing just fine in life. In fact, I’m doing pretty damn amazing if you look at the whole 30-year picture. So, three weeks into my bi-term courses, I decided to withdraw myself from studies.
I found out a couple of weeks ago that I’d been granted acceptance into UofL’s ABSN program. Although proud of myself for getting accepted into an advanced program, I very proudly declined my seat. Sure, it’s amazing that I applied on a whim and was accepted to the one and only nursing program I had my eyes on, but don’t cheer for that—instead, cheer me on for being totally okay with where I’m at in life. Here I am, breaking the standard with being at peace. I’ll even give cheers to myself for that one.
🥂 👏🏻 🥂
As this new year begins, I can’t help but to feel entirely grateful. 2023 was difficult in more ways than one, but it also brought me so much happiness and clarity. I don’t think I have ever been so excited for a new year to begin.
Peace is in store for you, too, just let it find its way in. I promise you’ll feel relief once you acknowledge it.
Much love,
— SJ
Oh, & ps — thanks, momma.
SJ Talks 